“Nancy’s got to die.”…I was praying, and had spoken this to God.
I was in a season of consecration and had decided there just wasn’t much to admire or love about the “Old Nancy”. I had been praying, using the Jewish tabernacle plan for a guide as taught by the POA “Heaven to Earth” series. (see the link below) I was praying as though I was actually in the tabernacle, standing at the brazen altar of repentance. I don’t know when I figured out I was in a season of consecration; I just knew that I was desperate to be changed. I wanted desperately to please God and that would require a deep spiritual makeover… or do over…or, as I had described it to God during one of my long sessions of prayer; I was much like a roof that had gotten so rotten and useless, it had to be “taken down to the studs” and re-roofed…plywood…shingles…the whole nine yards. I knew I could not go forward in God carrying the baggage and dysfunction and unpleasant personality traits and moral failures and other various accumulated signs of spiritual failure to thrive that were evident in me. The only thing I had going for me was the fact that I absolutely believed that NOTHING was too difficult for God. I believed with my whole heart that He was the Potter and I was the clay and He could remake me and remold me and refashion me into a vessel of use to Him. I knew that it was going to take a lot of repentance on my part and a lot of mercy on His part. One good thing is, His mercy is as deep as the ocean and as high as the heavens and is sufficient for me.
Like I said, I didn’t know that my daily praying through the tabernacle plan with its long stop at the brazen altar of repentance was performing a deep work of consecration in me. I only knew that every day, I would pray my way through His gates with praise and through His courts with thanksgiving and the next stop was the brazen altar of repentance and I never had just one or two things to talk to God about, but I had literally years of things to talk to Him about. There were things I didn’t want to talk about. Things I was deeply ashamed of, but I knew to truly repent, I had to strip each and every sin bare of the layers of coverings of excuses and the self-preservation of burying them deep in my subconscious. I knew I could not move forward until the baggage of my past was emptied and dealt with. I also had much I needed to forgive others of and in forgiving others, I found that I also had to forgive myself…and that was often much harder to do. Over and over, I would go back to the potter’s wheel and ask God to change me…and He has changed me. He has changed me thoroughly. He has made me a new creature, a new organism, a different creation than I was before. He has thoroughly changed me and I am still being changed. He has even given me a new name. I know He has given me a new purpose and new desires. I almost wonder if even my DNA was changed…yes, the change has been that deep.
This change was only possible because God was willing and able to change me. He is incredibly merciful…so much so that it is difficult to wrap my mind around His love and mercy to me. How can He love me like He does? My foot was well-nigh slipped…I was on my way to destruction and I didn’t even realize the depth of my sin or the peril my eternal soul was in. So much of what God changed in me was contained in my heart and in my thoughts. We are able to change and clean the outside of the vessel if we want to bad enough, but only God can change the heart and soul and mind. Only God is able to deliver and tear down strongholds and mend and heal the wounds of the heart. I had such torment of the mind, that it took much healing to finally feel the freedom and deliverance He gave to me. As I progressed in consecration, the adversary of my soul almost succeeded in deceiving me. I had never felt the pull of the flesh as strongly as in that period of time. I cried out to God that I was vulnerable and blind and that I needed His protection and mercy. I told Him I was confused and could not see into the spiritual realm and begged Him to not allow me to be deceived. It was only the grace and mercy of God that turned me from following the desires of my flesh to submitting my desires to God.
Little by little, God brought my failings and my sin to my mind to confess to Him and to repent of and to ask forgiveness and cleansing and to be washed of. His grace truly is sufficient and the results of this process of consecration and time spent with God is a spousal type relationship with Him. I love Him so very much and He loves me. When I lift my heart and my mind up to him, His presence comes to me and envelops me and imparts heavenly gifts to me. I am His and He is mine and I have submitted my will to His Will and I listen for His Voice and His Instruction and desire to be led of Him. He will take care of me like none other and I put my trust in Him.
Psalm 69:16 Hear me, O LORD; for your loving-kindness is good: turn unto me according to the multitude of your tender mercies.
Isaiah 64:8 Yet LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You are our potter; we all are the work of Your hands.
Micah 7:19 He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea.
Isaiah 38:17 Lo, for my own welfare I had great bitterness; It is You who has kept my soul from the pit of nothingness, For You have cast all my sins behind Your back.
Jeremiah 31:34 …declares the LORD, for I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.
Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away. Behold, the new has come!
Postscript: God gave me instructions to write this August of 2016, but did not give me permission to publish it until today, August 12 2017.